I can’t remember exactly how old I was, but in my early teens I had a classmate whose mother was tragically killed in a car crash. I wasn’t a close friend with this person, but I remember how the reality of her situation weighed heavy on my thoughts back then. I was overwhelmed with the idea that as human beings we had absolutely no control over these kinds of things occurring…and if we had no control over them…then ANYTHING could happen at ANYTIME.
As a kid, this thought rattled me hard, heck, it still is unnerving even as an adult. But it also drove me to start having my first serious thoughts about God and if He was actually a real being. In my heart I came to a place where I began to think, if I can’t control bad things from happening…and if God is really real…then maybe He can.
It was late one night (past my bedtime) and I was supposed to be sleeping, but instead I was tossing and turning with thoughts of God. Was He real? Who was He? Could I trust Him to take care of things in my life? It was in this moment that I recalled a vacation bible school event my parents took me to a few years prior for a week. A co-worker at my mom’s work had mentioned the event to her, and while I can’t remember why we decided that I would go (because we weren’t church goers at the time), I did end up going.
During that week I was exposed and taught many things about God, but nothing really stuck with me except for one thing. At the end of the week I was given by the church a handsome, pocket-sized, leather bound New Testament bible. I remember my little fingers thumbing through the pages of that bible on the car ride home after that last day of VBS. I was intrigued at the different quality of the paper and the “crinkly” sound they made. I did attempt to read from it, but at that age, understanding the King James Version translation of God’s Word proved impossible for me.
When I got home I placed the bible on my dresser, where it stayed for a week or so untouched. Then one day I thumbed through the pages of the bible one more time, and then placed it carefully at the back of my sock drawer…not to be seen again until a few years later when I couldn’t sleep at night wondering about God.
Maybe that bible will tell me something about God, I remember thinking. It was dark in my room, but the moon was full and the beams of its light poured through the blinds on my window in staggered rectangles that covered the walls and carpeted floor. I walked to my dresser, pulled back the top drawer, and quickly rummaged through pairs of socks and underwear until I found the bible. I hurried back to my bed and opened the book, holding it up just high enough so the light of the moon could illuminate and reveal the small print.
For the first five minutes or so I read through the book of Matthew chapter one, which if you recall details the genealogy of Jesus Christ. I had no idea who the people were listed or what a “begot” was, so I finally moved on. I started flipping through Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John…reading different passages and not really seeing the big picture or information about GOD I was looking for. At the end of the bible they had thrown in the book of Psalms which at the time was way too much poetry for me. I tossed the bible on the night stand next to me a little disappointed and a lot dissatisfied.
There were many times, over a span of years, whenever I would think about that restless night and think, you should have just talked to dad and mom. They would have told you plenty about God. But the reality was…I didn’t. And now looking back on that night at 37 years old, I can’t help but believe that God had a hand in that choice I made. Because a few minutes later, before sleep finally took over my wonder; I had my first prayer, one on one, with God. I didn’t know Jesus as my personal Savior and I honestly had no idea what Salvation even was or meant for that matter. I was just a kid with a lot of questions. And for some reason I decided to give praying to God a shot.
I can’t recall everything I said in that prayer…too much time has passed for that. I do remember asking for help for my classmate who had lost her mother, and I remember finishing my prayer with, “I don’t know if I’m doing this right…but I think I do believe you’re real. I think maybe you can hear me…and you can talk to me if you want. Maybe just in my head though…not out loud. I’m afraid you’d scare me if that happened. I don’t know what else to say…just please protect my family I guess.”
I opened my tightly closed eyes and looked around my darkened bedroom…quiet and listening…wondering if God would say something back. There was nothing. No voice, audible or in my head was heard, and yet, I was oddly comforted. I didn’t know it right then, but almost every night, after that night, I would say a prayer to God before I fell asleep. This act was something I kept to myself…a privacy that I held onto until the day that I actually accepted Jesus into my heart.
My prayers were probably trivial. I remember praying for good grades for tests I didn’t bother to study for and gifts I hoped my parents would buy me for my birthday or Christmas. I would always talk about my day…my experiences at school and the kids I hung out with. At the end of my prayers I would always pray for protection for my family and a chance to pitch for the Texas Rangers someday.
They were simple…sweet prayers…that meant more to me than I realized at the time. I was an innocent kid, lost as ever, but somehow sure that even though I couldn’t hear God talking to me…He was listening. And if He’ll listen to that question filled, lost kid, He’ll listen to you too. Whether you believe in Him or not, it doesn’t matter. He believes in you.
I know in this life we want to have control and avoid the hard and seemingly impossible parts, but the truth is we never will. We can’t control the fate of the world or the curve balls that get thrown at us in our private lives because we’re not God. Next to Him, we truly are insignificant. But don’t you think that makes His love for us all the more amazing? It should.
If you don’t hear anything else I have to say, please here this: It doesn’t matter who you are…your race, body type, gender, sexual orientation, political views, age, religious affiliation, believer, non-believer, whatever! None of it matters. God loves you.
You may not want to reach out to Him today…but whenever you’re ready. He’ll be there.
“The Eternal One will never leave you; He will lead you in the way that you should go. When you feel dried up and worthless, God will nourish you and give you strength. And you will grow like a garden lovingly tended; you will be like a spring whose water never runs out.”
