I stood as solid as a stone and my ear burned red as it pressed against the much too thin wall. I closed my eyes and took short silent breathes as I pushed back against the fear that the group of men on the other side of the barrier might somehow hear me simply existing…and listening. If my joints popped…they might be tipped off…if I swallowed too hard they might hear the dry click in my throat and know what I was doing. You see, they didn’t want me to hear what they had to say…they closed the door to the large office next to mine to satisfy that conclusion.
But I needed to hear…
For some reason I couldn’t understand, I needed to hear the drone of their muffled voices…I needed to understand how this part of being in the ministry worked…surely I would learn something from my sneaky act…surely I could gain some kind of wisdom from these men that had put a wall and door between themselves and the rest of the staff at our small church.
And then it happened…and then I heard…
Their words were articulate and cutting…I recognized who was speaking every time a voice changed…each mans face hung in my thoughts like a thick mist. Our leadership within the church was changing and one of our own was up to the call to lead this change…but I realized in these brief moments that this man that I came to know as a mentor never had a chance…and he didn’t have a clue the opposition against him…but I was hearing it all…the insults being spoken at this mans abilities and gifts…the lack of faith exhibited that God could do something radical in our church through the leadership of this man. My face burned red at the stinging words but I refused to pry my ear away from them.
In the end decisions were made and the toxic words of a few men pierced my heart. I wanted to rush into the room…I wanted to defend this man…I wanted to tell them that I was leaving because working in a place where such utter crap was being spewed out by the leadership was not something I could live with…it was not something I wanted to be apart of.
I sat at my desk staring off into space…my thoughts of moving on were so strong that my body seemed to shake without my permission. My phone rang and I answered it…it was one of the men that had been in the office…I remembered of all the other men, this one spoke the most negative and upsetting words in their meeting. I listened for the next twenty minutes as he told me how much he loved the man I had heard him berate and belittle just minutes before. He told me that the man was most certainly called by God to minister…but it was obvious that it was not at our church…no, our church needed someone else…someone better suited for the direction the church desired to move in…and as a member of the staff that had been there the longest, it was my responsibility to help make sure the right man got hired.
I felt myself beginning to detach from my own will as I asked the man what he thought I should do. I became nauseated as he gave me names and numbers of people to call…of people to try and convince and influence to see that this man never gets the opportunity to be voted into the position of leading our church. I wrote down each name and number in dark ink and allowed myself to be influenced…
“This is the right thing to do,” I was told. “It’s a nasty part of ministry but it’s necessary to save the church.” “You’ve been apart of this place since you were a teen…how would you feel if this man lead the church straight into the ground and you did nothing about it?”
My hands shook as I bit into my bottom lip…I wanted to tell this guy to shove it…I wanted to tell him that in my view of things there was nothing I could do…that God would take care of the church and guide the man helping to lead it…I wanted to tell this man that I was done…that if this part of ministry was, “nasty” but “necessary” than I wanted out all together. Screw it…the situation was way beyond what I felt was right…I HAD TO DO WHAT I THOUGHT WAS RIGHT.
When the man was done I hung up and stared at my phone and the list of names and numbers. I can’t do this, I thought. This can’t be what God has called me to do. I picked up the phone and dialed the first number….
He could be right, I thought. Hell, each man in that room could have been right…it’s very possible that this is not the right man for the job…and I can’t let this church down.
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I remember thinking that final thought as I began a round of phone calls that took hours to complete. I realize now how I kind of locked in my fate for the future. By not wanting to let the church down…I did. By being afraid to stand up for what I knew was right deep inside myself, I let a growth start in me that flourished for years…a growth of discontentment and fear…a growth of immature faith…I stopped fighting and thinking for myself…I forgot all the reasons why I felt called…I chose to be distant…neglectful…angry…and unwilling to serve.
And I see now that it all started right here…in these moments that I have written above…I made a choice to try and take control of a situation when I never had the ability to do such a thing. Some of you might be angry and think that I was manipulated…influenced…used. But my reality is simply this, I MADE A CHOICE.
Now my point of this blog entry is not to depress or sadden you…my point is not to try and gain sympathy about my past…my desire in this entry is to impress on all of you to STAND UP.
If you know something is going on that is wrong, will you join the dysfunction or will you rise against it? Will you stand up for your brothers and sisters in Christ, or will you turn a blind eye while another brother tears them down?
Brothers and sisters, it’s not good enough to just give in…it’s not good enough to think that, “This evil act is bad, but God will work it for good in time.” No, that kind of mindset comes from a person who is not willing to be used by God. That type of mindset comes from a person that has taken off his Godly armor and walks away from the battle field. That kind of mindset comes from a person that eventually (if they keep going in that direction) will stab their brothers and sisters in the back for some kind of diluted gain in life. I have lived out this mindset, and it never satisfies.
We have to find a way to stand up for each other…even if it’s scary…even if we risk retaliation.
We are fearfully and wonderfully made by an amazing creator…will you choose to sway to the ways of the world? Or will you stand firm on Christ? He believes in you and will give you the strength to stand…will you put your faith in Him? Will you take your ear from the wall and rush the room, or will you sit and listen more?
